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Joke of the day thread...
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Offline Alli  
#41 Posted : Tuesday, August 20, 2013 8:00:57 AM(UTC)
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"You know these guys had fun making this one!
CLICK HERE VVVVVV

http://www.youtube.com/w...jkLf_X88WM&vq=medium


AND YES....... I JUST FIGURED OUT

WHO THE WOMEN "R" !!!!!!"
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Offline RCRed  
#42 Posted : Tuesday, August 20, 2013 2:45:39 PM(UTC)
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OMG...There's sweetfeed sprayed all over the monitor now... UserPostedImage UserPostedImageUserPostedImage
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Offline div4gold  
#43 Posted : Tuesday, August 20, 2013 3:16:05 PM(UTC)
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OMG, OMG, OMG, etc.
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Offline Hokey  
#44 Posted : Wednesday, August 21, 2013 2:33:22 AM(UTC)
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I am going to make Absinthe and use it to cook duck. I am going to call it "Absinthe of Mallard".
Funny??? No? Oh well Sad I'll try harder.
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Offline Alli  
#45 Posted : Thursday, August 22, 2013 10:47:35 PM(UTC)
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"Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he
was still there,.."
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Offline Hokey  
#46 Posted : Sunday, September 01, 2013 9:56:14 AM(UTC)
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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
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Offline Alli  
#47 Posted : Tuesday, September 03, 2013 1:53:42 AM(UTC)
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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Offline Alli  
#48 Posted : Saturday, September 07, 2013 5:35:31 AM(UTC)
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"Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?



Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!"
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Offline scotty  
#49 Posted : Saturday, September 07, 2013 10:22:55 AM(UTC)
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Very enjoyable-- thanks :)
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Offline RCRed  
#50 Posted : Tuesday, September 10, 2013 2:47:39 AM(UTC)
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "
Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the
person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered
the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the
child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is
that noise?" "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed hushed voice
the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle "Me."

P. S. - This can happen to grandparents too RollEyes
Windows DesktopSoftware for home Distillers and AFP Small producers




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Offline Alli  
#51 Posted : Wednesday, September 11, 2013 1:31:05 AM(UTC)
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"I know you will have to smile over this...
so don't try to hold it back.

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck
went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
""I'm going to do that when I win the lottery,"" announced Blonde #1.
""Do what?"" asked Blonde #2.
""Send my lawn out to be mowed."""
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Offline RCRed  
#52 Posted : Wednesday, September 11, 2013 1:45:30 AM(UTC)
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Yes, that did bringa smile, Alli.. Thanks.
Windows DesktopSoftware for home Distillers and AFP Small producers




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Offline Alli  
#53 Posted : Wednesday, September 11, 2013 3:22:05 AM(UTC)
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"A Modern Fairy Tale:

Once apon a time a young man fell in love and asked his girlfriend
to marry him. She said NO.

He bought a boat and a motorcycle. He has plenty of money
in the bank. He goes fishing, hunting and takes long rides whenever
he wants to. He farts and leaves the toilet seat up all the time.

The End"
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Offline scotty  
#54 Posted : Wednesday, September 11, 2013 6:14:09 AM(UTC)
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Lol lol lol ____________________________________________
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Offline Alli  
#55 Posted : Sunday, September 15, 2013 4:48:10 AM(UTC)
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"[ATTACH=CONFIG]913[/ATTACH]

Then again, maybe she ran out of gas."
Alli attached the following image(s):
men.jpg (68kb) downloaded 1 time(s).

You cannot view/download attachments. Try to login or register.
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Offline Hokey  
#56 Posted : Sunday, September 15, 2013 6:49:40 AM(UTC)
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A Lesson In Government.

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government!
The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''
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Offline Alli  
#57 Posted : Monday, September 16, 2013 2:03:08 AM(UTC)
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"A short human interest story.
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
A Human Interest Story
The circus owner tells them, ""I'm not going to sugarcoat it, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?""
The girl says, ""I'll go first."" She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body,
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, ""I've never seen a display like that in my life."" He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, ""Can you top that?""

The tough old golfer replies, ""No problem, just get that lion out of there."""
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Offline Alli  
#58 Posted : Monday, September 16, 2013 11:51:53 PM(UTC)
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"Now folks, wouldn't you rather see this commercial on TV than all those ED jobs about 4 hour erections.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKLnhuzh9uY"
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Offline Alli  
#59 Posted : Wednesday, September 18, 2013 12:08:48 AM(UTC)
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"- An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting high time the boy gave some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible,

2. A silver dollar,

3. A bottle of whiskey,

4. And a Playboy magazine.

""I'll just hide behind the door,"" the old preacher said to himself, ""and when he comes home from school, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.""

The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. He walked over to inspect them, looking at each for several minutes. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

""Lord have mercy!"" the old preacher prayed. ""He's going into politics!!"""
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Offline scotty  
#60 Posted : Wednesday, September 18, 2013 1:45:50 AM(UTC)
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How true unfortunately.
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