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Joke of the day thread...
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Offline scotty  
#81 Posted : Friday, October 25, 2013 8:04:48 AM(UTC)
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The genie was a USA senate member.
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Offline Alli  
#82 Posted : Friday, November 01, 2013 1:34:23 AM(UTC)
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Subject: Perjury









Bill and Charlie, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Bill didn't show up. Charlie wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Charlie really got worried. However, since Cha rlie didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

After a month had passed, Charlie figured he had seen the last of Bill.


On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him.

Amazed and delighted, Charlie exclaimed, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Charlie 'You?! What on earth for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue , that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yes,' said Charlie 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.
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Offline Alli  
#83 Posted : Saturday, November 02, 2013 1:51:21 AM(UTC)
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Better than a Flu
Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room.

She invited him to have a

seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young

minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,

and in the water floated. of all

things, a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones, they

began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking

through the park a few

months ago and I found

this little package on the
ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
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Offline Hokey  
#84 Posted : Saturday, November 09, 2013 12:59:21 PM(UTC)
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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." she says, not recognizing his unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"
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Offline scotty  
#85 Posted : Saturday, November 09, 2013 10:44:43 PM(UTC)
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that's pretty hokey lol
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Offline Alli  
#86 Posted : Tuesday, November 12, 2013 5:01:18 AM(UTC)
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When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends
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Offline Hokey  
#87 Posted : Tuesday, November 12, 2013 4:26:11 PM(UTC)
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I knew that, that is why I use whisky stones. haha
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Offline fatboi83  
#88 Posted : Wednesday, November 13, 2013 11:22:42 AM(UTC)
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Saying Goodbye To Mother



.










Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said as we drove away. ''That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.
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Offline Alli  
#89 Posted : Thursday, November 14, 2013 2:06:45 AM(UTC)
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The customer comment below is one of many just like this from men in England who bought Veet Hair Removal Crème for Men from Amazon.com. Apparently the manufacturers of this product need to put some warnings on the package about where it should and should not be applied. If you want to read more comments go to:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/...ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top


"Possessing as I do a genital cluster that bears an uncanny resemblance (and indeed aroma) to Chewbacca's armpit, I decided to purchase this product. Upon applying the creme to my tassel and conkers, I was taken aback by a sudden and disturbing gasping noise, followed by a sound that I can only describe as the horrific howlings from Satan's own Hell Hound, Cerberus. As I whirled around to view the source of the noise, I perchanced to glance in the bathroom mirror, and, seeing my own mouth stretched agape in a terrible rictus of agony, I deduced the sound was coming from me.

My eyes widening with mounting horror, I surveyed the damage occurring to my sausage and beans with no small sense of panic. My pubes were actually bubbling and fizzing, in much the same way they might if one of James Cameron's Aliens had just sprayed their acid blood upon them. There were no swear words strong enough to adequately describe the agony, and in my delirium I began making them up. I don't recall exactly what I screamed, but I'm fairly sure the entirely-new expletive "funting" was employed.

With as much haste as I could muster I hobbled into the shower and applied cooling water to the conflagration in my crotch, which only served to spread the napalm to my perineum. I am not a church-going man but as I felt the flaming horror trickle across that tender inch of no-man's land, I confess that I prayed aloud to Jesus and his host of angels that the advancing agony would not stray into my buttonhole. However, my prayers went unheeded, and as I felt the liquid inferno sizzle its way into my most private of eyes, I lost consciousness, but not before grabbing the shower curtain and collapsing, in a disturbing echo of that famous scene from Hitchcock's "Psycho". Although believe me, being hacked to death by Norman Bates in a dress would have been a walk in the park compared to the searing agony I endured that fateful day."
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Offline Short Shot  
#90 Posted : Tuesday, November 19, 2013 7:32:04 AM(UTC)
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"A black guy and a redneck go into a pastry shop.

The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.

The baker doesn't notice.

The black guy says to the redneck: ""You see how clever we are? You Rednecks can never beat that!""

The redneck says to the black guy: ""Watch this, any redneck is smarter than a bonehead, and I'll prove it to ya.""

He says to the baker, ""Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!""

The baker gives him the cookie, which the redneck promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker: ""Give me another cookie for my magic trick."" The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.

He eats this one, too. Then he says again: ""Give me one more cookie...""

The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway.

The redneck eats this one, too.


Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: ""And where is your famous magic trick?""


The redneck says, ""Look in the black guy's pocket!"""
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Offline Alli  
#91 Posted : Tuesday, November 19, 2013 9:14:37 AM(UTC)
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Racial jokes are not cool on this forum.
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Offline Short Shot  
#92 Posted : Tuesday, November 19, 2013 1:17:02 PM(UTC)
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"Well, damn, ain't I sorry.

I didn't know the &#8216;political correctness police' were hovering over this site.

I guess a joke has to be racially neutral and we have to &#8216;pretend' that there are no different races on this planet.

My suggestion is that if you find a simple joke, like I posted, to be racially incendiary then chances are you are a &#8216;dyed-in-the-wool' liberal which means your opinion has very little meaning to me and if the moderators find it offensive then they know how to delete it.

Frankly, I despise political correctness because it is nothing more then censorship which is being forced on us by numb-minded liberals."
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Offline admin  
#93 Posted : Tuesday, November 19, 2013 1:38:41 PM(UTC)
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Let's remember the name of this thread, please- Just for FUN. RollEyes
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Offline Short Shot  
#94 Posted : Tuesday, November 19, 2013 2:32:11 PM(UTC)
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"Sorry Admin,

I didn't see anything racial about it. I guess it depends on whether or not one has been indoctrinated."
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Offline admin  
#95 Posted : Tuesday, November 19, 2013 2:41:08 PM(UTC)
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Short Shot- I am not taking sides. I just want to diffuse the situation before it elevates. There was definitely a racial lean to the joke, but I am sure that if I went back through all of the jokes in this thread that we have probably poked fun at several races and religions.
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Offline RCRed  
#96 Posted : Tuesday, November 19, 2013 2:41:39 PM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: Short Shot Go to Quoted Post
Sorry Admin,

I didn't see anything racial about it. I guess it depends on whether or not one has been indoctrinated.
Nor did I.. I could replace a few words here and there and take the risk of offending a polish person, or, maybe a Aggie.. On an on it goes.. Btw, I have heard the same joke espoused amongst three preachers....

C'mon people, we drink of stronger brews.
Windows DesktopSoftware for home Distillers and AFP Small producers




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Offline RCRed  
#97 Posted : Tuesday, November 19, 2013 2:44:21 PM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: Admin Go to Quoted Post
...that we have probably poked fun at several races and religions.
Mostly wives and visits to WalMart/Costco that really didn't turn out as planned... :)
Windows DesktopSoftware for home Distillers and AFP Small producers




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Offline admin  
#98 Posted : Tuesday, November 19, 2013 2:58:37 PM(UTC)
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I won't poke fun at wives- I don't have a death wish! Tongue
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Offline Short Shot  
#99 Posted : Tuesday, November 19, 2013 3:03:53 PM(UTC)
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"I understand your position and I know it would be a mistake to prolong the subject and I fully understand if you delete these posts but imagine if you will that the two characters would have changed roles in the joke, would that be any different?

Or, what if both characters were white? I could be accused of discrimination. Actually, I feel like the humor has been equally distributed between two different races.

I have several colored people that I consider damn good friends and I'm not ashamed to include them in my life, they have a great sense of humor and they're fun to be around.

I know, I could have just said &#8216;one guy' and &#8216;another man' but to me that diminishes the impact of the humor."
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Offline Alli  
#100 Posted : Wednesday, November 20, 2013 9:41:41 AM(UTC)
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Short Shot,
You are right and I was wrong. You were right that the joke was not really racial and I was wrong to say it was. I don't see myself as all those other things and I dislike political correctness as mush as you. I apologize for starting this mess.

Alli.
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