"

Alli,

You don't owe me an apology, I am a little sensitive about the race card being thrown around and I really dislike 'political correctness'. Also, I'm sure I rebounded too strongly to your post and as such maybe I owe you the apology.

Given the chance I'd gladly buy you a beer and laugh it off."

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,

"Is that one word or two?"

I hate distasteful humor. Here are some examples:
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a vagina
...not a fucking photo-copier."


A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees boyfriend in a flower shop.
"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."
The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"
The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."
"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"


Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "We are making you a little brother."
The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"


"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..."

Weather Conditions --- Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in North Dakota.

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -59. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexiphiles is held
every year. This year's winning submissions:


.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.


.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.


.. The batteries were given out free of charge.


.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.


.. A will is a dead giveaway.


.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.


.. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.


.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.


.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.


.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.


.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.


And the cream of the wretched crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Grammar is an important part of our education. Capital letters are also very important to get your message across. Example: I helped my uncle Jack off a horse; or, I helped my uncle jack off a horse.

Thanks RC.
That's pretty funny right there.

Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How damn dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why these
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother-in-law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkeys
- You cook over burning camel poop
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they are raised to believe that "when they die, it all gets better"???
I know! They get 72 virgins that smell worse than their donkey!
Of course by now they have run out of virgins so all they get is their donkey.

I know a few Guys like this !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you
come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to
have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made
the boat out of some raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that
to make tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a
cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of
gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the
last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

!
"You've built a Golf Course too?"






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